Humour, Satire, Singapore

The Housewarming Party Manifesto

Housewarming Party

 

Thank you for taking the time to view the manifesto of The Housewarming Party (THP), a newly formed, one-man political entity that will be taking part in the upcoming 2015 Singapore General Elections. The title of this manifesto is If Roy Can Run, So Can You. Because apparently anyone can run for politics these days. No need for lofty job titles, multi-million incomes or vast experience in managing an organisation. Just know how to gate crash events like a boss. And get sued. And join the party of a Photoshop expert.

Instead of having a party name that includes terms like Democracy, Alliance and Solidarity, I have decided that mine should reflect what all Singaporeans hope to achieve – a warm and loving home to, well, go home to. If elected, THP will provide you with a warm home by helping to address a slew of hot-button issues in Parliament.

I cannot promise that all these problems will be resolved, but I guarantee that I will warm the cockles of your heart.

I know I may be a one-man show, but mark my words, I will be everywhere. Like global warming.

I believe that I have what it takes to champion people’s needs because I am an every day everyday man. I do not make a lot of money and I fully understand the problems that common Singaporeans like myself are bogged down with. I know what it is like to struggle in this fast-paced country where the standard of living is getting higher each day. For example, I know what it feels like to desire owning a car even though my office is a 15-minute bus ride away. Because we will never know when we will need to drive it to Desaru to play golf with our friends. I also fully understand what it is like to have to pay $18 for two eggs at a trendy brunch venue, or $500 for a seafood dinner at Boat Quay.

I am confident of being a good MP because I have experience in many parts of Singapore.

I was raised in Eunos, studied in Buona Vista, Katong and Clementi, did National Service in Sungei Gedong and Jurong West, and have lived in districts such as Queensway and Clementi before. I got my driving licence in Ubi Avenue 4.

I have, however, decided that I will contest in the constituency that holds the most meaning in my life – Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC.

I was born in Mt Alvernia Hospital, and this henceforth makes me a Son of Thomson (which apparently falls under Bishan and/or Toa Payoh). I am not afraid to admit that I have little knowledge about this zone except that the fish head curry at Blk 92, Toa Payoh Lor 4 is really awesome. I had a really good chat with the boss there. In fact, we hit it off so well that he promised me that he will only charge $2.50 for a regular serving when I return. Unfortunately, the drinks stall did not sell bandung. I hear bandung and fish head curry goes really well together.

My party will not fall under the ranks of the Opposition. Mine is more of a Renovation Party. I will renovate your home and make it warm – not by removing the air-conditioning, but by making sense of the discourse between the ruling party and the opposition before providing my balanced and objective suggestion to improve current policies.

If elected, I will be the ERP gantry above the car that the Prime Minister and Mr Low Thia Khiang are in.

I have listed below some hot-button issues and proposed solutions.

  1. Transport – Brompton bikes will be given to all commuters affected by MRT breakdowns.
  2. Influx of Foreign Talent – Arsene Wenger will be hired to rectify this issue.
  3. Rising Costs of Living – The Football Association of Singapore and its top management will handle this.
  4. Helping Our Local Hawkers – Everyone will be encouraged to sell pasta instead of local fare.
  5. CPF – You should be able to use this for a variety of other purposes as well, such as buying TOTO, 4D and Big Sweep.
  6. COE – See above on CPF. In addition, the COE will entitle you to free rides on the Singapore Flyer every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
  7. National Service – NS will be completely waived for those who demonstrate true athletic ability, like if you can lick both your elbows.
  8. Preservation of food culture – More support for hipster establishments to create gentrified cuisine like Laksa Latte, Chwee Kueh Meringue, Rendang Profiterole and Buah Keluak Dinosaur.
  9. Upgrading of Facilities – No need. Retro/old school/whatever you call it is hip now. We will ride the wave.
  10. Nicole Seah – Should be made an NMP. Forever.

I believe many of you share the same sentiments. Count on me, my fellow Singaporeans. Vote THP.

Let’s stay warm together.

 

 

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One thought on “The Housewarming Party Manifesto

  1. Pingback: Free taglines for independent GE candidates | the phylactery

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